the apartment hunt is in full swing, and i am debating an earlier "move out" date. i found a place i ahh-dore from the photos and description (hardwood floors! french windows! dressing room with built-in vanity! eat in kitchen!) but i am afraid if i fall in true love irl i will either: be sad if someone else moves in between now and the 15th, or; give the landlord all my money to move in and not eat for two weeks. gah.
late on buying contacts= angry corneas and becoming a forced four eyes. oh, and by the way, boys DO make passes on girls who wear glasses; apparently wearing spectacles puts me on par with weirdos, because i have had to gently let down two chuckleheads this week with the wonderful "i have a boyfriend, and he gets mad" excuse. ahh my angry invisible boyfriend, i love him.
watch out, my invisible boyfriend knows kung-fu.
the new tattoo hurts and feels tremendously disgusting, and reminds me of past lives filled with diseases affecting the skin. i can't wait till it's all healed and lovely.
i have also been hard at work with a tiny facelift for the shop, launching this week! annnd i'm debating starting a tumblr?! which is odd since i pretty much don't really understand it. but i'm kind of wanting a spot for pretty pictures + littlestuffs i like. tumblr is good for this, no?
also, i am secretly obsessed with this song:
i listen to the radio and pray for it to come on, and when it does it makes my shoulders dance. shh.
I think I have made a series of bad emotional investments in my life that are catching up with me all at once.
When it comes to relationships and friendship, some people give a little bit of themselves to a lot of people. Other people give a lot of themselves to only a few. I belong steadfastly to the latter group. I don't make a place in my heart for people that I don't intend to keep there for a long long time. It's hard to love people, and I want to do it right.
You don't invest in people solely for the return, but you'd also like to think you might be able to cash in a little bit one day if you ever need it. Being in a new town without any real support system makes you look around for people to lean on. To call and complain to, to text something funny to, to bbm a conversation you wish you could be having on their couch to, to drink a bottle of wine and get silly with. Just knowing someone SOMEWHERE wants to give you a hug feels more amazing than ever. Perhaps this new feeling of being far away from everything has made me acutely aware of people I can really count on in my life. And those that I can't, I guess.
It feels like the people who are most in need of unconditional love and support are often the least likely to understand and accept it. It's ridiculous to believe there is no such thing as a lost cause. But when do you consider yours lost? Do you exhaust every option, continue to excuse them, and have blind faith that your best efforts aren't being wasted? If you're stronger than they are, should you allow yourself to shoulder more of the burden in the relationship? Or does that make you a fool.
When do you stop trying, give up, and let go?
Having to essentially write-off three people this year has been EPICALLY taxing on me. It's the worst feeling in the world to realize a person who you thought was forever just isn't; and no letter you write, text you send, or phone conversation you have will make it any different. It has made me look at every friend I make and every date I go on in this new city as a future failure. It makes me not even want to try anymore. I think they call that... putting up walls? How depressing.
I can't give people less than my best. But I feel like people have been getting the best of me.
