i am in an emotional recession.

did i curse myself?

I think I have made a series of bad emotional investments in my life that are catching up with me all at once.

When it comes to relationships and friendship, some people give a little bit of themselves to a lot of people. Other people give a lot of themselves to only a few. I belong steadfastly to the latter group. I don't make a place in my heart for people that I don't intend to keep there for a long long time. It's hard to love people, and I want to do it right.

You don't invest in people solely for the return, but you'd also like to think you might be able to cash in a little bit one day if you ever need it. Being in a new town without any real support system makes you look around for people to lean on. To call and complain to, to text something funny to, to bbm a conversation you wish you could be having on their couch to, to drink a bottle of wine and get silly with. Just knowing someone SOMEWHERE wants to give you a hug feels more amazing than ever. Perhaps this new feeling of being far away from everything has made me acutely aware of people I can really count on in my life. And those that I can't, I guess.

It feels like the people who are most in need of unconditional love and support are often the least likely to understand and accept it. It's ridiculous to believe there is no such thing as a lost cause. But when do you consider yours lost? Do you exhaust every option, continue to excuse them, and have blind faith that your best efforts aren't being wasted? If you're stronger than they are, should you allow yourself to shoulder more of the burden in the relationship? Or does that make you a fool.

When do you stop trying, give up, and let go?

Having to essentially write-off three people this year has been EPICALLY taxing on me. It's the worst feeling in the world to realize a person who you thought was forever just isn't; and no letter you write, text you send, or phone conversation you have will make it any different. It has made me look at every friend I make and every date I go on in this new city as a future failure. It makes me not even want to try anymore. I think they call that... putting up walls? How depressing.

I can't give people less than my best. But I feel like people have been getting the best of me.

WAH.




lyrics.
One time in college I remember discussing the double entendre of this song with this REALLY cute boy I was making out with at the time. AWW.